Saturday, January 3, 2009
1:47 AM


I think it's time for me to let you know how I really feel.

You probably think that there might be a small chance that if we both sit down and talk face to face, things will get solve as usual.

But, to me, everytime.. all these past conflicts didn't really solve.

Ever since that time when I realized that I've been lying to myself.. acting as if i'm alright.. faking up a smiles.. just to ensure you're won't be over sensitive.. just to ensure that I am playing that male lead in your movie..

I've been thinking..

If we are really suitable for each other?

in better words,
are we really ready for relationship yet?

I admit. Making this decision without discussing with you is a very selfish act.
But I'm worried cuz our future isn't going to be fruitful one if we carry on like this.
and if I don't 狠下心 and make this decision, it'll be even harder for us to decide in the future.

You told me.
you will not let r/s affect you too much.
you will learn to manage r/s, homework, friends and family better.
you will get stronger.

But for months.. I felt so helpless.
Being accused for doing some unpleasant things that I didnt commit.
& end up you crying so badly in public and I can do is sorry sorry sorry.
and the next day, both of us can act as if nothing happen.
and yep, I really hated to be wrong accused, really.

I tried to be myself, but I always end up hurting you again and again and again.

I used to be so strong minded.
I used to be so confident.
I used to be so cheerful.
and I'm losing them.

I bet you're losing some of them too.

weiyin, I'm really sorry to pull you into such situation.
but I really hope that through this aparting, you will mature and become a strong, understanding and optimistic woman.

I understand that you wanted to see me..
but I cant..

these few days haven been very horrible.
at this moment i cant even find any word to describe what am i feeling.
i tried to end my life a few days ago.
cuz i'm feeling so terrible..
crying so hard till my eyes are dried.
heart hurting so badly till it's numb.
and i can't stop hurting myself to make myself feel better.
I didn't expect it to be so difficult for me to do something I really don't wish to.
I forced myself.

I think..
I'll most probably breakdown again if i see you again.

I don't wish to cross the line.
I don't want to give too much impact to your life.
I don't wish to see your result affected because of me.
I don't wish to see you losing your friends.
I don't wish to see you cry.
I don't want you to be sad.
I don't want to hurt you anymore.
I don't want to argue with you anymore.
I don't want to give you troubles anymore.
I don't want to fake up smiles anymore.

& most importantly,
I don't want to lie to you anymore.

and so..
this time round..
I'm going to be 100% honest.

Even though i know this way, you're going to undergo a terrible time.
however, i think this way is also a better way as compared to the pain you have to bare if the r/s continues.

I'm just want to be a very good friend of yours for now.
just someone, maybe a passerby, who play just a small part in your amazingly exciting life.

Who knows?
maybe when both of us got older,
it'll be a more suitable time for us to get together (:
maybe that time..
we can start making our dreams come true.

thank you.
even though when we are together..
we had so many conflicts..
we had so much unhappy times..
but i just wanna let you know..
during those time..
i really love you.
& i am still loving you.

it's just that..
I realized..
even thought we love each other..
doens't really mean we have to be together.
seeing the other party happy..
isn't that a very fortunate thing already?

chan weiyin.
get stronger alright?

i love you.
& I'll get stronger too.


the story ends like this;
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